Fus Woo Dah!!!

I haven't posted in a while, but I can't really be held responsible for that, can I? Skryim finally came out, and someone had to kill those pesky dragons. Don't worry, I'll try not to make an "arrow to the knee" joke, probably.

Man, a lot has been happening recently in the world of wrestling. We now have three, or maybe just two, face champions -- CM Punk successfully retained his title after his match with The Miz and Alberto Del Rio, whose groin didn't fair quite as well; Zack Ryder has finally been thrown a United States Championship-shaped bone; and that lightweight, Daniel Bryan, is the new World Heavyweight Champion after cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase on a freshly DDT'd Big Show, and ever since, I've actually found myself giving a damn about him as we watch him slowly turn heel. I don't even mind his mess of overgrown facial weeds, as it's a well documented fact that beards look better on bad guys.

Anyway, let's talk a bit about Zack Ryder. I love him, I really do, but if the WWE wants to keep selling his headbands and t-shirts, etc., they need to give him more than a few catchphrases. Seriously, I can only pump my fist along to "Woo, woo, woo!" for so long. Now, to their credit, they have involved him a bit in the Kane/Cena story line, but I'm not really happy with where it's going, and I'd like to take this opportunity to make a suggestion.

A week ago, Kane emerged from a hole in the ring and tried to drag Ryder to "Hell," only to be stopped by John Cena at the last second. Here's where my idea comes in -- use this to turn Ryder heel! I know, I know, there are too many heels at the moment, but hear me out on this. What if, when he attempted to, I don't know, kill Ryder, or whatever, Kane actually transferred a bit of his evil into him?! Then we could have Ryder start giving Cena hate-filled looks whenever his back is turned, and after a few weeks of buildup, he could knock Cena out from behind with his Title before standing over his body to taunt him with his new catchphrase, "Boo hoo hoo!" You could even have him become Kane's sidekick and refer to him as "The Devil's favorite Broski!" Tell me that wouldn't be wrestling gold!

Alright, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I'd love to talk about Jericho's return, how great CM Punk continues to be, and how I've actually started to like John Laurinaitis, but I haven't played Skyrim in literally tens of minutes, and I'm starting to get the shakes. So with that, I'll say goodnight and offer my heartfelt apologies... I really did try not to make an "arrow to the knee" joke.

photo via bleacherreport.com

Someday We'll Find It, The Rock and Sock Connection...

This week's Monday Night Raw was a special three-hour episode meant to hype the upcoming Survivor Series match-up between Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and John "Not The Rock" Cena against The Miz and R-Truth. Considering it was three-freaking-hours, I was a bit bummed about the overall lack of matches that caught my attention. It was the various promo segments that stole the show tonight, and with The Rock making an actual appearance, along with Raw regular, CM Punk, I suppose it was to be expected.

They weren't all winners, though. The show opened with Michael Cole and his challenge to good ol' J.R., which I honestly didn't care much about. Considering what was at stake -- Cole's career -- I don't think any of us were surprised when he rigged the challenge. I won't go into too much detail here because, well, I don't want to, but let's just say my two favorite parts where knowing that Cole's silly challenge was over and that it ended with Punk putting him in the Anaconda Vise. I will say this however: I was hoping that J.R. would somehow miraculously win, leaving Cole left to commentate only on Smackdown because -- and I can't be the only one thinking this -- there's just been too much Cole lately. As for Monday Night Raw, not only would we get J.R. back, but I was hoping Mick Foley would join in as well.

Which brings me to, in my opinion, the first of two highlights. The Rock wasn't the only big return of the night; Mick Foley, the hardcore legend himself, is back in the WWE. I had already heard of Foley's return and was expecting to either see him there or at Survivor Series, perhaps as a guest referee for The Rock and Cena's match against The Awesome Truth, but that didn't stop me from grinning ear to ear when he came strolling down to the ring, flannel shirt, sneakers, and all.

Foley went on a rant about the lack of respect Cena's been getting as of late and tried to cheer him up, even going as far as to express his feelings through a "This is Your Life, John" segment. The Rock didn't seem as amused by it as I was and came out to unceremoniously Rock Bottom Foley for his trouble.

Throughout the night, we also saw Zack Ryder collecting signatures for a petition to get himself another title match against Dolph Ziggler, the current reigning U.S. Champ; there was a minute long Divas match in which Kelly Kelly pinned Natalya again, you know, because she's so physically dominant; and unfortunately, a heavily hair-dyed Kevin Nash Jackknife Powerbombed everyone's favorite Santino, Santino. If only his buddy Vladimir Koslov hadn't been fired, he-- well, he probably would've gotten Jackknife Powerbombed too, actually.

Onto the second highlight of the night, which was, of course, the actual physical appearance of The Rock on Raw, as opposed to another video promo filmed on the set of The Tooth Fairy 2: Tooth Fairier, or whatever. I could go on and on about how very disappointed I am with The Rock's "return" to The WWE, but I just can't stay mad at the guy. He came out, grabbed the mic, and reminded the world of wrestling how to work a crowd like nobody's business.

Eventually, The Awesome Truth came out to confront The Rock, and all I could think about was how glad R-Truth must be that they've turned him heel. It really is amazing what beating John Morrison with a water bottle and raving about "Li'l Jimmies," spiders, and conspiracies can do for your wrestling career. I mean, he and The Miz are about to face The Rock and John Cena, two men whose placements in the Hall of Fame are guaranteed, in the main event of a pay-per-view. Anyway, they decided to show their appreciation for being given this opportunity by not waiting till Survivor Series to try their luck with Rocky, and were about to pounce when Cena entered the fray.

If you didn't see it, you can probably guess what happened next. The two teams glared at each other before The Rock and Cena, who otherwise were obviously not on the same page, laid the smackdown on The Awesome Truth; standard pre-pay-per-view showdown stuff. What interests me was how Rocky stole the show by delivering double Rock Bottoms before wordlessly leaving Cena in the ring and then mocking him for good measure. Loved it.

Seriously, I just cannot stay mad at The Rock. John Cena may very well be one of the most popular wrestlers of all-time, but after Rocky waltzed in, upstaged him, and made a handful of jokes at his expense, I could have sworn I saw a few kids in the audience burning their "Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect" t-shirts.

Let's see you try to rise above that hate, Johnny.

Apoca-thumb!!!

Yesterday was November 11, 2011, a day that some considered, and possibly continue to consider, to be linked to some kind of global spiritual awakening, the beginning of the end of everything, or who knows what else. People the world over spent the night cowering in their houses or celebrating around bonfires. Me? I watched Friday Night Smackdown while eating Arby's. Business as usual.

Survivor Series is coming up, and to no one's surprise, Randy Orton announced last night that he will be leading a team. What did surprise me was that Wade Barrett will be leading the march against him, not Cody Rhodes. Now, don't get me wrong, I've been loving the "Barrett Barrage," and I'm thrilled that he'll have such a prominent role in this pay-per-view, but I find myself having to ask a question: What was the point of the Orton/Rhodes feud we've been following for weeks now? We know it wasn't leading up to an Intercontinental Title Match because, let's face it, what would Randy even want with the belt at this point? We're talking about a man whose career has soared to the heights of starring in K-Mart commercials, here.

At any rate, the match is scheduled to be Randy Orton, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, Sin Cara, and Mason "Baby Batista" Ryan versus Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, Christian, and Hunico, aka Not Sin Cara.

Last night we were also treated to a rematch between Mark Henry and all 107 pounds of Daniel Byran. The last time we saw these two face-off, we saw Bryan getting the life squashed out of him by Henry before The Big Show hit him with the W.M.D. and convinced Danny Boy to try his luck, cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase on a seemingly unconscious World's Strongest Man. Although things didn't go according to The Big Show's plan, I liked what they did here; however, if it were up to me, I would have taken it a step further comically by having Show convince a dazed Bryan, who announced that he'll cash in the briefcase for a match at Wrestlemania, that he's been unconscious for months, and indeed, it was Wrestlemania and that he was just seconds away from beating Mark Henry for the Heavy Weight Championship. But what do I know? Other than good television, I mean.

While I'm not sure what role Daniel Bryan will play in Survivor Series, we can, of course, expect to see Mark Henry once again defend his Title against The Big Show. Personally, I'm hoping Henry will retain but have his victory cut short by the return of The Undertaker. After all, Wrestlemania isn't all that far away, and if Randy Orton and The Big Show can't get the job done, who's left to take the Title from Henry if not The Dead Man himself?

Moving on, the highlight of the night for me was the main event, which saw Wade Barrett and Randy Orton going one-on-one as the future leaders of their respective Survivor Series teams. This was another surprise for me. I was expecting to see a good back and forth before Orton landing the RKO, leading a vindictive Cory Rhodes to run out and either end the match in disqualification or, preferably, open Barrett up for a surprise Wasteland or even a roll-up victory. Instead, while the referee was momentarily distracted, we got a classic thumb to the eye from Wade with a successful pin to follow. I was in no way expecting to see a clean victory from him over Randy Orton this early in his career, and I love a good bit of cheating from a heel, so I nearly jumped out of my chair in excitement. It was a very satisfying ending, if you ask me and not Mr. Orton, who probably didn't care much for it.

Let's just see if Barrett can keep his comeback rolling in Survivor Series, and whether or not Captain Orton looks good in an eye patch, shall we, mateys?

photo via wwe.com

Survivor Series will take place November 20, 2011, and you can buy tickets on WWE's Live Tour site.

Abraca-Wade!

Wade Barrett won a little show called NXT, and rightfully so; he already had a nice ring presence and a way of demanding attention on the mic. Those qualities, along with the fact that Chris Jericho, the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a, was his "mentor," had me pegging him for success from the very first episode. And I was right -- The next thing we knew, he was leading calculated attacks on wrestling legends and taking over Monday Night Raw as head of The Nexus before going on to do the same to Smackdown as head of The Corre. He even got his hands on the Intercontinental Championship along the way. Sounds great, right? Well...

Success, you fickle mistress, you. How quick you were to turn thy gaze away from Wade's blazer wearing wonder. Was it the crooked nose? You know who else has crooked noses? Albus Freaking Dumbledore; the multi-talented Stephen Fry, narrator of the British version of the Harry Potter audio books; even Ringo Star, who I like to think is a huge Potter fan. Oh yeah, and he was in some band called The Beatles, or whatever.

As you can tell, I'm a huge Potter Head, but I digress.

Wade won NXT! How is it fair that he's being squashed by Cena while Justin "One 450-Splash Pony" Gabriel and that Cock-a-Doodle-Dufus Heath Slater are three-time Tag Team Champions? Hell, even David Otunga, Attorney at Raw has been getting more airtime. And Daniel Bryan? That dude should hand the Money in the Bank briefcase over to Barrett and give his beard back to Hornswaggle.

And whatever happened to the prize for winning season one of NXT? Doesn't he have the right to take a shot at any title on a pay-per-view event of his choosing? You know what, Daniel Bryan? I hope you cash in that briefcase and win yourself a shiny, new belt, I really do. And then I hope Wade comes out, challenges you, and you accept because you're such a goody-goody. I want to see him Wasteland you so hard you vomit up a month's worth of tofu, you vegan chump.

photo via allwrestlingsuperstars.com

I honestly don't understand why Barrett isn't more popular. Why isn't he one of the top heels on Smackdown? Only Cody Rhodes seems to get more heat from the crowd than him. Why not give Chicken Legs Rhodes a night off to do squats and see how Barrett does as a main eventer? I'm telling you, Internet, put him back in the spotlight and the crowd will learn to love Wade Barrett all over again.

Or at least let him hold Daniel Bryan down so we can forcefully shave off his collection of face pubes.

That thing's getting gross...

The Beginning has Begun...

A couple of years ago, I started watching wrestling. At first, I'd be watching something else but would quickly flip over during commercials to check who was throwing whom through the announce table, an activity I never got to enjoy while watching Sixty and Pregnant, Orange People from Jersey, or whatever other dumb show I was obsessed with at the time. Well, before I knew it, I found myself watching bits and pieces of America's Next Top Hoarder, or Who Wants an Intervention? whenever wrestling threw to a commercial.

It was a brain-shock at first. I mean, I had watched a bit of wrestling when I was a kid, and I remember it being delightfully different than everything else that was on television, but, man, wrestling's gotten straight-up crazy since then. Between a leprechaun with an unkempt beard living under the ring, exploding limousines, and Randy Orton RKOing Wayne Brady, I found myself completely addicted within weeks.

And the wrestling moves are completely insane-o nowadays, too. Remember Hulk Hogan's "Atomic" Leg Drop? Remember how it was, in fact, just a regular ol' leg drop that anyone could do, but we had to be impressed by it anyway because it was the '80s and there wasn't much else to be impressed by back then? Well, now we've got Rey Mysterio's 619, the great CM Punk's GTS, and Shelton Benjamin's Pay Dirt MVP's Play of the Day Heath Slater's Sweetness R-Truth's What's Up. Not to mention John Morrison's Starship Pain. Have you seen that move? It's so Matrix. Jo Mo even goes slow-mo, pulling a Neo, whenever he makes his entrance.

photo via morrison-fans.webs.com

Anyway, some people say wrestling's "dumb" and "for kids." I call those people "wrong." First of all, there is such a thing as a smart wrestling fan, you know. We're there, every damn week, making fun of Michael Cole and awaiting the day Chris Jericho returns to "SAVE_US." (It'll happen.)

Secondly, you say wrestling's for kids, but me? I say I wasn't able to truly appreciated it until I was thirty-damn-years-old.

Wrestling may be the most ridiculous thing on television, but what's wrong with that? It's gloriously over-the-top, people get beat up every ten minutes or so, and watching it week after week gives me a legitimate excuse to stay in on Friday nights, other than "I'm getting old..." These, my dear Future Wrestling Fans, are just a few of the many, many reasons why I watch wrestling and you should too.